Fear or Faith?

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind”. 2 Timothy 1:7

I have to be honest and admit that though I have heard these words countless times in my life, even memorized them, I have not taken them to heart and pondered them deeply, until this week. These are words to live by, to hold sacred-- deep within our souls to combat those times when drought, anxiousness, and worry find residency in our hearts and minds. However, I believe most of us don’t readily accept these words. We may even say, “This may be true for him/her, but it is not true for me”. We don’t trust God’s words. Instead we choose, yes choose, to live in fear rather than in faith.

Sitting in a disheveled bedroom, so cluttered that there was nowhere to sit but a small clearing on the floor, I found myself face to face with a tear stained and equally disheveled young girl. It was recently discovered that she had been cutting herself. Feeling completely ill equipped, as this topic was certainly out of my realm of both knowledge and comfortableness; I found myself sharing these very words, though it sounded more like: you have the choice to choose fear or choose faith. When you choose fear, you are clearly saying, “God is not big enough for this situation”.  The girl’s eyes had not made contact with mine for quite some time, but at these words, her eyes shot me a hot and bitter look, as if to say, “That’s not true!”

“That’s not true!” we may say of ourselves when confronted by our own actions. We have a hundred excuses as to why we are in the driver’s seat and Christ is in the passenger’s seat. Somehow we reason that if I just do this or if I just do that, then all will be OK. We may reason that we are helping God or that we need to clean up our lives before we really let Christ take up residency in our heart. Somehow we try to atone for our sins through duty, rather than by repentance.

Because I know so very little about cutting, I found it interesting that this young girl revealed to me that she wanted all the pain and sin to be washed out with the blood. Graphic, I know.  At her words, an image of Jesus’ bruised, bloodied, and broken body on the cross flashed in my mind. I can only speculate that she was attempting to some degree to pay a price for some wrong doing or some injustice that had been done to her.
 
Though not nearly as graphic, we too attempt to find our own salvation or atone for our sins though piling up good works or attempting to living to the letter of the law, rather than to the spirit of the law…payment in some regard for what we have received or to compensate for what we have done. Having accepted Christ into our hearts, we still find ourselves trying to earn something we already have: His acceptance, His unconditional love for us, our eternal salvation.
 
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives love lives in God, and God in Him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”. 1 John 4:16-18.

The silence compressed heavily on my heart and my mind searched rapidly for the right words to say to this young girl, praying for words of wisdom, I found none.  I reached out to touch her, to comfort her, only for my touch to be rejected. A single tear fell down my cheek and my nose begun to run. Hurting, I could not resist the question…”Does cutting really help relieve your pain? Does it make whatever has happened better?” Without looking up, she straightforwardly said, “No, but it might someday and that’s why I keep trying.”

“And that’s why I keep trying”. Her words felt like a trampling of wild horses across my chest. Though her secret had been discovered, she had no intention of stopping. She believed that this ludicrous act would save her, would take away her sins, that causing herself to bleed would somehow bring her the peace she so, so desperately seeks.  I wonder, if we too, “keep trying” to find that fulfillment, that right combination of works and worship in hopes that we would find God’s favor.  Sure, we know we have it already, but our actions reveal that we don’t trust that knowledge. It is, like this young girl, fear-- a lack of trust that drives us to such unnecessary lengths.

The girl, seeing my tears, softened and moved slightly closer to me, though she still resisted my touch. I smiled a toothless smile and as I did, I fell into such a deep weeping that it seemed impossible to stop.  Once composed, I told her that I had good news for her. Looking back on the situation, I am sure she thought I was a lunatic: sobbing uncontrollably one moment and saying I had good news the next. I told her that someone had already shed all His blood for her. And it would only be His, the perfect Lamb of God, whose blood would work to take away our sins and hurt and to replace them with peace and salvation. Because He did this, she did not have to. Her sacrifice would not earn her anything or take anything away. Because as a young girl, she had already accepted Christ as Lord of her life, she already had acceptance, forgiveness, and salvation. Somehow, like we often do, she lost sight of that. She thought she needed to add to what Christ has already done.

At these words, the girl began to cry. Wiping her nose with her shirt, I wondered what she would say. She said nothing, though she did lay her head on my lap. Her journey is far from over. She will need constant reminding that she already has all she needs in Christ. Perhaps, we too need that reminding. I know I do from time to time as it is entirely too easy for me to add to what Christ has already given to me.  Trusting that He is enough is hard.  Trust takes time and commitment to build.  If we are not spending time in intimate fellowship with Christ, we do not know Him and it becomes easy to start living from a place of fear, because fear is our natural state without Christ.

I ended my time with this girl with the question, “Will you choose to live in fear or will you choose to live in faith? It is a choice we all have to make. Our actions will reveal our choice”. No words were spoken as she hugged me tight.  I pray that the Lord would increase my faith, for there are times I question, times I doubt, and certainly times I live life for me and on my own strength. I want more of Him in my life. I desperately want to live according to what I know rather than what I feel.

Without a doubt, life will bring challenges. These challenges do not separate us from God. Fear separates us from God--and "fear in its purest form is really unbelief, the false conviction that God can't, God won"t...so I must. Faith on the other hand, chooses to believe that God can, God wants to, and God will...so I will choose to trust Him with my life." Faith and fear are mutually exclusive. Only one can rule our hearts.

A Grammar Lesson on Spirituality

We have all heard the saying, “If God closes a door, He opens a window”.  The mentality behind this is to press on, thinking perhaps that God wants us to take a different avenue to gain whatever it is we seek, whatever we believe His will is for us. Simply, this cliché’s intention is to shed hope on whatever difficult situation we currently face. Though greatly debated if God really works like this, I believe it is only through an intimate relationship with Christ that we can really decipher if the door is closed permanently, temporarily, or if climbing through a window is an option.

I admit that when I was a child if my Mom said no to something I wanted, I would go ask my Dad. My dad was my window and my hope rested in him saying yes, and often he did.  I didn’t get away with this seemingly sweet set up for too long. Both Mom and Dad sat me down and talked about how I had not respected either one of them. I did not listen to my mom and I manipulated my dad. The answer was no, but I pressed on until I got what I wanted. I was persistent, immature, and my motive was self seeking. In my heart I knew better. The answer was no, I just didn’t like it. With this blatant disrespect were consequences.  

A few weeks ago I heard this same idea expressed slightly different, “Don’t put a comma where God intends for a period” and “Don’t put a period where God intends for a comma”.  Being a person fascinated with the writing process, linguistics, and all things grammar, this caught my attention. When I was in grade school many of my papers would be returned to me inked up in red pen, “Run on sentence”.  I remember my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Vaughshultz, telling me that I needed to break my sentences down, use more periods, and not rush my information.  I started writing shorter sentences and yet when I received my paper; I would read comments like, “Choppy sentences”. What? I did not understand. With practice and heeding the red scribbled advice across my papers, I slowly began to understand that there is a relationship between words and meaning; between information and emotion; between me and my words. It is a beautiful dance that takes place on paper. I still misstep….often.

I misstep because I have an agenda. I push to get my idea across without taking into account the relationship between the words and punctuation.  Though I am referring to writing, I believe the same can be said for how we live our lives.  Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that “The heart is deceitful”.  We are all born with a sinful nature, we are self-seeking in one regard or another.  If left in our natural state we would live our lives as a series of run on sentences because we seek our needs and desires above all else and we fail to stop and consider what and how the Lord will provide a way for us if the door is truly closed.  Like when I was a child, we can often manipulate our circumstances to meet our needs and desires. Thankfully, we are in a process of being sanctified---transformed to reveal more and more of Christ’s character in our lives. Christ promises that what He begins in us, He will complete.

This brings my mind to yet another scripture: Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart”.  The Hebrew word for delight is “agagh”, which means to bend. I thought this interesting because in a very real sense delighting in the Lord means to bend with Him, go with Him, walk with him. In order for us to do this we need to know him. And to know Him is to love him.  We will only obey if we truly love Him.  In this intimacy, His desires become our desires. I love the way the verse ends, “and He will give you the desires of your heart”. The Hebrew word for desire is “chaphets” which is translated from “if it pleases, if you are willing”.  There is no presumption here. This person is pure of heart. This person is not looking for an open window somewhere. There is no manipulation.

I admit I struggle to know when to press on verses when to stop. I do know that when I am walking in step with my heavenly Father I more readily understand what a closed door or a period means. My desires truly reflect His desires. Still God is God and His ways are not our ways. We can attempt to understand our circumstances and trials though His point of view and still be left with countless questions, even feeling betrayed. I believe that this is the place where Satan likes to whisper alternatives to God’s plan to us, (like, “Climb out that window”!) cause us to feel bitter, or jealous even.  We have all be there, done that, manipulated a situation to meet our desires.

I fail continuously, but even then the Lord has abundant grace as He gently corrects me. It is here in my unworthy heart, on bended knee before the cross that I see red strewn across the sunset sky. In it I see the words, “It is finished”, Christ’s final words as He took His last breath.  I do not need more earthy materials; I want more of Him, period.

I cannot end my thoughts here, when Paul’s do so much more justice.  Excerpt from Philippians 3: 8-21 (Message Translation):

Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant - dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ 9 and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ - God's righteousness. 10 I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. 11 If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it. 12 I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. 13 Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus. 14 I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. 15 So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! 16 Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it. 17 Stick with me, friends. Keep track of those you see running this same course, headed for this same goal. 18 There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. 19 But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites. 20 But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven! We're waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our earthy bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He'll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him.