Hope

The fragrance of Hope filled the air, smelling like a sweet bewilderment of musky sweat and dust; the smell of horses to be exact.  Thursday was a day I found myself unable to stop smiling, constantly biting the inside of my cheek to keep tears from spilling out, and silently praying prayers of immeasurable gratitude as I watched my dear Meg nuzzle noses with Rusty, a copper colored horse at Raven Rock Ranch, a place where God’s grace is extravagantly gifted to children who are struggling or are at risk.

Usually a horse that sits back to see what will be asked of him, this day Rusty, a rescue horse who was gravely neglected, RAN to see the new girl! It was love at first sight! Meg, a nearly thirteen year old girl, has been living in the dark pit of depression and anxiety for quite some time, rarely smiles or engages in conversation, smiled constantly this day! As her face beamed, my heart swelled with thanksgiving for the precious gift of Hope that lingered in the air. It was obvious that my sweet Meg was still in there somewhere.

As I watched Meg’s short and gentle brush strokes send dust from Rusty’s back into the filtered sunbeams in the barn, I was reminded of that morning’s reading, specifically Psalm 147:11 “The Lord takes pleasure in those who hope in His love”. Biting my quivering lip, I allowed my mind to bask in the Truth. I could practically see the smiling face of God as I breathed deeply His bountiful life-giving grace He was bestowing on my family at that very moment!

What pleases God is not our work for Him, but our need for Him.  For years, I have begged Him to rescue my daughter from the foothold that Satan clearly has in her life and for years I did not see Him working. I worked, on my own strength a good share of the time, exhausting my resources and shattering my ill-placed hope time and time again. Brokenhearted and completely humbled, I whispered aloud, “God, I know you love her more than I do. How it must grieve your heart to watch her like this. I know that You are bigger than this. I need You so desperately, she needs You so desperately”. Then, there on my knees, I opened my hands toward the sky as a way to say, I am not holding on to this anymore. I am handing it to you.  I trust in you alone. I will wait for you.

Trembling as I sat there in front of my large picture window, the place I love to sit and pray, the words of an old hymn from my childhood, “How Great Thou Art” came to mind and I once again found myself in tears as I praised His precious and holy name.  God is so good. He is so merciful. Regardless of what life brings, I am eternally devoted to Him and will magnifying Him, His mercy, grace, and love at all costs! Who God is does not change because of circumstances. He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He is unchanging.

Once home, I stripped off my barn clothes only to catch the fragrance of Hope once again. Instead of tossing my clothes into the wash, I held them to my nose and breathed deeply the scent of one of the most precious gifts my family has ever been given: God’s tender mercy. I cannot offer God anything but my humble praise and gratitude. I pray that in this and through this experience at Raven Rock Ranch that His glory will be magnified as His grace satisfies the hearts of all who ride there!

Hoping in Christ’s love is the fragrance of His grace and this week it smelled like horses!

Chosen

What do you say to a nearly thirteen year old girl, who is the product of rape, as deep sobs spill out along with the words, “I was not planned, I am a mistake, not worthy of love and attention.  I am the product of a monster and now you are stuck raising me”? Though I have known she struggles with her identity, I never knew my own daughter believed she was loved out of obligation. I tenderly cradle her face in my hands and look deep into her eyes and say, “Though you were not my plan, you were God’s plan and His plans are far better than anything I could possibly imagine. He does not make mistakes. He does not make accidents. He is the author of all that is good. ‘What Satan intends for evil, God intends for good’ (Genesis 50:20) and without a doubt, Meg, “God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28)

“You were chosen, Dear Meg. You were elected to be my daughter and more importantly, you were elected to be the daughter of the Most High, our Precious, precious Savior. God knew your ‘inmost being and knit you together in my womb’. I cannot help but to praise Him constantly, Meg, because you are ‘fully and wonderfully made’. Sure, you were made in sin, but that did not escape God’s ever watchful eye or what He was planning for you.  He saw your unformed body in my belly and He smiled as He thought to himself, ‘How wonderful it will be to watch my plan for this ever precious girl to unfold. Boy, do I have so much in store for her’. Meg, God thinks about you constantly. You can never escape His thoughts or the love He has for you, as they well outnumber the grains of sand on every beach. God made you on purpose and for a purpose. You were chosen by Him! (Psalm 139)

Her sobs slow and she is listening intently, not objecting to this truth. I shared more of her story, a story we rarely talk about. We have only given her enough information to answer her on-going questions about her conception, for fear of sharing something she is not ready to hear. However, we missed sharing the most important part of her story. I share with her that her story actually begins years before she was even born. Her Daddy and I tried for three years, approximately 36 times to have her. We wanted another baby more than anything. She was my all consuming thought and desire. I prayed for her constantly all those years, though I did not know her. It was only short time prior to the rape that we were told we would not be able to have any more children. I gave away my crib and resolved that this was God’s plan for us and our desire for another child would instead come through adoption. Heartbroken, I deeply mourned something I felt I lost.

“Meg, you have no idea how much I wanted you. You were not planned to come into our lives like you did. I didn’t know what to expect. Though I did know you were a blessing, for God says repeatedly that “All children are a blessing from the Lord.”(Psalm 127:3) You are my pearl, my treasure of great value formed from a very horrific situation. I loved you before you were born and I love you more with each passing day, not because I have to, but because I cannot help but to love who you are. I choose to love you. Both sobbing now, I kissed her face a million times saying over and over again, I love you, I love you, I love you.

This morning as I was reading, God brought me to a complete stand still as my mind was taken to a place I never anticipated. Reading about God in His sovereignty, choosing to set His free and merciful love upon us, I saw that time and time again throughout scripture that His love is not constrained by anything we do, by our virtue, or are anything we are born into or born as a result of. Christ choosing us has everything to do with His pleasure and nothing to do with our merit. What extravagant grace that He would choose to love us despite our human abilities or inabilities. “He [God] is free to choose whomever He pleases, even if He has to create a child by a miraculous birth” (John Piper). We see this clearly in the Old Testament story of Abraham and Sarah when God’s promise is fulfilled in a divine and miraculous way when he blesses them with their son, Isaac, though Sarah was decades past child-bearing age.

Upon reading these words, I let out the biggest gasp and held my heart for I felt so strongly that these words were meant for me to read this very day! These words are not a new concept to me by any means. I guess I just needed to see them in view of a different light, in view of something so close to my heart---something so very, very personal. Perhaps, like Meg, we wonder if we are loved out of obligation. Take heart and bask, Beloved, in the fact that if you know Jesus as your Savior, you have been chosen and He dances over you with singing and covers you with His wings. You are His! You were created on purpose and for a purpose.  He foreknew you and chose you to be conformed to the likeness of His Son.” (Romans 8:29)

Meg is a “Child of Promise”. God not only formed her, has plans to prosper her and not to harm her (Jeremiah 29:11), but has chosen her as His daughter.  He chose her! He chose her! He didn’t choose her out of obligation or by any merit of her own, but strictly for His own pleasure. He loves her because He chooses to love her.  He delights over her. And so do I! A millions times over, I would chose her.

Object of Love

I admit that I am often self-focused, rather than God-focused. What I mean by that is that I tend to view God through my value, my unworthiness more that I see Him and Him alone. I tend to pair us together: Him, being holy and completely worthy and me being an unworthy sinner. Marinating in this truth is healthy to some degree. It is healthy when it propels us toward repentance and/or to worship for it glorifies the Lord richly when we acknowledge Him, His authority, and His gracious, extravagant love that He lavished on us through the gift of His perfect Son and continues to bestow upon us daily in a multitude of ways. However, I sometimes get caught up more in my role than in His role during this contemplation.  I see myself and my sin before I see Him and His glory.

Only in God’s perfect timing would I be lead to read the words penned by Scottish theologian and minster, Henry Scougal , in his book, “The Life of God in the Soul of a Man” (1677). In it, he writes, “The worth and excellency of a soul is to be measured by the object of its love.” If you know me even a little, you know I have not put these words to rest, but pondered them deeply for weeks.  As Scougal writes, he details, to the best of our human abilities, the passions, obsessions, and complete adoration Christ cradles in the palm of His nail pierced hand. As Christians, we have the belief that He is absolutely, positively passionate about us, His Son, and that His name is known throughout the world. We understand to a miniscule degree the passions of Christ.

Where, I wondered, have I placed my love? Scougal continues to push me into deeper reflection with his words, “The most ravishing pleasures, the most solid and substantial delights that human nature is capable of, are those which arise from the endearments of a well-placed and successful affection”, meaning that when our love is well-placed, our soul’s pleasures will not be surpassed. It is here that excellency is revealed. I wish I could say that my love and devotion was always placed in God. It is not. I lose sight of Him and my view of Him becomes clouded my by inadequacies, sin, and/or taking Him for granted.

In the quiet of the early morning, as the sun was just cresting the horizon, I was so intensely touched by the splendor of God that tears flooded my eyes and a peace I have not known for some time overcame me. I shook my head as I choked back the tears and whispered aloud, “Lord, there is just something about you…” That day I looked for Him constantly. I had seen Him and I could not help but to want to see more of Him. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Jeremiah 29:13.  I saw Him alright! It was as if I was beholding His glory for the first time and now I cannot help but to see Him everywhere. I see His majestic glory in the rugged mountains, knowing the forces over countless years that formed them, the trees, in variety, in a manifold of greens, and the shadows that move with the orbiting Earth as the massive sun continues to shine constantly. I see His glory in the glittering stars far too numerous for me to count. I see His glory in the vastness and depth of the ocean and the power that pushes the mass of the water’s waves mile after mile. I see it in my kids as they laugh. The human body with all its complex systems working together…I am awed and left breathless as a quickening in my heart revels in His beauty. He is absolutely majestic! And it has nothing to do with me.

  “I Can Only Imagine” one of the most beautiful songs written by MercyMe, ponders our reaction upon seeing Christ face to face. The chorus resonates with my own questions:

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I love this song! And in light of seeing Christ so vividly these past weeks here on Earth, I cannot help but to ask the same questions the song poses… seeing Him, knowing Him, loving Him, how on Earth could I carry on as if I did not see Him to begin with? It is my absolute hope and desire to magnify Him at all costs; at all costs in everything I say and do.

The splendor of our King is evident all around us. We are in His very presence. I am guilty of losing sight of that. I am guilty about letting my role in our relationship dictate my actions, rather than reveling in Christ’s role. All I want is Him. He is enough, more than enough for me.

One of my greatest hopes in life is that people will see, feel, and hear something different in my life that can only be explained by the presence of Christ dwelling within my heart. I want whatever they know about me to point them to Christ. I want them to see that He is the object of my love and I am wholly devoted to Him.