I have not written more than research papers for the past year and though I have enjoyed the challenge that it in and of itself has brought me, it has also left a deep longing to write about matters of the heart, to share my thoughts, and my wonderings openly as I continue in this journey, this relationship with Christ that often causes an inner wrestling as I struggle to know Him more intimately as Father, as Savior, as Friend... It is with deep joy and gratitude that I write today.
Naked
If everything I do, everything I have, and everything that people say that I am were stripped away what would remain? Without these attributes that the world has assigned me… that I have work so hard to achieve, who am I? Is it enough to be the chosen daughter of the Most High?
I have been reading an amazing book titled “Home Tonight” written by Henri J.M. Nouwen. In it he describes first love and second love. First love is the love given to us by our Heavenly Father, who loves us unconditionally…before others knew or loved us, before we were anything, before we did anything. Secondary love is the love which comes from our parents, friends, and family…and even at its best; it is only a modified version of the first love. As I read this, I had two thoughts. First, I wondered if all mankind interchange these two loves. Meaning, I wonder if we expect “first love” from those who are limited in their ability, broken and flawed…and no matter their efforts are only capable of second love. At the same time, I wonder if we view God as the one who will turn His back on us. This may seem like a bit of a stretch, but perhaps we expect more from people than we expect from God, which makes me wonder, what do I expect from God, if anything at all?
Personally, I have sought out large parts of my identity from others. I look to my co-workers to acknowledge my patience and positivity. I look to my husband to show me my beauty and humor. I look to my parents (even at the age I am) to tell me I’m OK and that I am on the right track. I look for approval. “The world tells you; ‘you are what you do, so do something relevant. You are what you have, so get busy and acquire all you can. You are what others think of you, so act properly and gain respect’” (Nouwen, 37).
I wonder again, as I read through this short list of expectations, if I could leave them, not engage them and live a life simply as the Beloved’s daughter, chosen and loved simply because…because He wanted me. Can I accept that I am enough for Him without having to earn it? Am I enough? Can I stop looking to the world for approval, for my identity? Can I find solace in knowing I am His? Can I reach the point where I no longer need another person to tell me who I am or give me an identity?
Desperately, my heart wants to cry out, “Yes! Yes, it is enough to be His
3 comments:
Oh Karyn..that is so true...we look to God as our second love and not our first...thank you for that deep insight!
Thank you Karyn for sharing! It is the human condition to look anywhere but to God for what we need when He is the only one who can truly meet our every need. Something we must remind ourselves of daily. Love you Friend!
Hi, I'm a good friend of Kellie's and clicked from her fb to your blog:) Glad I did, what an insightful post....so often we get the two mixed up, expecting our husband and children to fulfill what only God can do and then letting God fall into the place and not even expecting a lot from Him....it's so sad to even realize. I think we do have glimpses of God's love throughout not only our relationship with Him in worship, but also in our other relationships with even people we just meet when we see them or they see us for who we were created to be, past the pain and insecurity to the true self:) Isn't it amazing when we get past our self?
I also love your book list. I read Blue Like Jazz most recently and couldn't put it down!
I'm praying for your family.
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