Since my Daddy passed away almost two months ago, there hasn’t been a situation that I haven’t filtered through thoughts of, what would Daddy say if he could see this? I wonder if he would be proud of me, I wonder what advice he would give me. There have been moments when I find myself talking aloud to him while working in my gardens. There have been times I hug pictures of him and plant my kissed finger to his framed image on my desk. It is not uncommon to revere our loved ones once they have passed, idolize them even. However, after much reflection these past weeks, I have come to the realization that I do this all the time. I seek man’s approval. I work hard with the expectation that it will be noticed, admired and therefore led to being liked…loved even. Without a doubt, I am a people pleaser. And if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I struggle constantly with believing that God is enough for me…that His approval is all I need…and the fact, that I already have His approval, His love at no expense to me.
It’s been interesting…this reflection period for me. I wrote a few weeks ago about the simple life my Dad led, that he valued things not of earthy value but that of relationships with others. He worked harder than anyone I know or have ever known as a custodian and before that, a dairy farmer. He did not work hard however to earn approval of man. He had it though because he was true to who he was…the beloved son of the Most High. If I were to attempt to compile a list of why I love my Dad, it would not contain a single thing that he did, but rather a list of who he was a man. Think about that for a moment. If you were to make your own list of why you love someone, what would that list look like? I bet it would be a list of their characteristics, not a list of things they do for you or ways in which they have earned your favor. I wonder therefore, why I work so hard to earn approval from man.
Realizing this, I wonder then if it possible for me to live within relationships out of gratitude for the ceaseless, unwarranted gifts that are continuously showered upon my life without feeling as though I need to give back or continue to work to maintain such love and devotion? When I really think about what I am doing when I act in this manner, I am really saying, “I not enough on my own. You won’t love me, respect me, or value me if you knew me only for my character”. I do this with people. I do this with God. In a very real sense I am saying as Henri Nouwen writes in Home Tonight (2009), “Watch me, God, and see how much I am working for you. Don’t you think you should finally love me?” It deeply grieves me that I do this, that I believe I have to deserve love. Viewing this lesson through the loss of my Dad, through the realization that I am still trying to please my Dad through works, when I know with certainty he loved me for me… not because of what I achieved, I can plainly see the madness in which I live and the meaninglessness of it all. I can practically see my Dad; head down, working his jaw as he often did, and with tears in his eyes as he tells me that it hurts his heart to think I have to deserve his love. He would say,” I love you, period!” Christ tells us the same thing and proved His love for us on the cross…before we had a chance to earn it.
Because of this lesson, this gift of many, I desperately desire to live intentionally from the place in which I can say, “Oh Father, thank you for gifting me with life and with unconditional love, a love that comes freely…without work, without obligation…for loving me for me”. Without a doubt, this is the path to greater freedom and intimacy with the Lord. It does come at an expense however, for we cannot seek the approval of man and God simultaneously, for the two do not seek the same things. Set your heart on things above Beloved and relish in the free gift of Love. I choose to claim this Love (First Love: see prior post), independent of what I do, what I have, or what others think of me.
Abba, I pray that you help me to live life as your beloved daughter, that I will live to a higher calling and not seek the approval of man, but to relish in the unconditional gift of your sacrificial love. Dear Lord, I thank you for the example of my Daddy and the lessons you continue to teach me through his life. I am eternally grateful and humbled by your love and devotion to me.
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ". Galatians 1:10
