Trust

I am certain the imagine of Meg gently laying her head on the nape of Rusty’s neck  as we were setting out to leave the Ranch today will forever be imbedded in my mind. I hope it is at least for it captured a tender moment between a hurting girl and a horse who knows pain all too well himself. Hugging Rusty after a gentle meandering through trails blazing with harvest colors and crisp leaves under foot this afternoon; I saw a connection between them that I did not see so readily last week. There was trust.

Trust usually takes time to build. Though it has only been two weeks, an unyielding bond has been made between girl and horse. Perhaps there is an unspoken language rooted in deep respect for what one another have been through. There is tenderness toward one another, a beautiful dance of love and respect, of safety and harmony. Nothing, nothing could be more beautiful to witness as the melody of grace fills the air.

In sharing our experience at Raven Rock Ranch, I have repeatedly said, “There is just something incredibly remarkable happening there”. The foundation itself was built upon Christ and without a doubt; His grace is touching hearts, kids and parents alike, on a monumental scale. This place is different. This is not a temporary fix, this is life-giving. This is Hope. And it is here that my Meg is learning to trust!

Until today, Meg has not known this kind of trust. She lives on the defensive, always, as a way to protect her heart from being hurt further. She lives from the place of doubt and discouragement. Her wounds are not only raw; they run deep, to the core of who she is. She has been in desperate need of our Great Physician for years, though she cannot see that. As her parents, we have tried countless things from extracurricular activities to help build her self esteem to counseling and medication; all which leave her with temporary results, temporary hopes.

Watching Rusty run to the fence to greet Meg is an image of how it is when we show up to spend time with God. He RUNS to us. It doesn’t matter where we have been, what we have done or what has been done to us. He is jubilant in our return! In our return, He see our hearts and the dark, searing pain and is not spooked or surprised by it, rather the melodious dance of grace continues as He so gently whispers in our ear, “…by my wounds you have been healed, my Beloved (Isaiah 53:5). Trust in me.

Trusting in the promise that God will work all things together for those who love and have been called according to His purpose not only brings Him immense and holy pleasure (Romans 8:28), but also reminds me that it is for HIS good and perfect pleasure we seek, not ours, that though our hopes for healing may or may not take place, His glory is the ultimate goal. It has taken me a long time to see that even when my prayers, hopes, and dreams are not answered as I would like, that God is still God. He is still merciful, still trustworthy.

I know that I can do nothing on my own strength to bring God glory. I need Him. Honestly, I am in great need of Him. I have waited for His strength, His courage, knowing fully that He, in His perfect timing, would supply all that I need. And without a doubt, I see it so clearly at Raven Rock Ranch that I cannot keep my joy hidden (unfortunately my joy comes out in tears, which is embarrassing!). I have put my hope in Him. He is my Refuge, my Strength, and my Treasure.  “From Him and through Him and to Him are all things; to Him be glory forever and ever”(Romans 11:36).

Trust is the first step toward healing and today, Meg took it with Rusty.

Chosen

What do you say to a nearly thirteen year old girl, who is the product of rape, as deep sobs spill out along with the words, “I was not planned, I am a mistake, not worthy of love and attention.  I am the product of a monster and now you are stuck raising me”? Though I have known she struggles with her identity, I never knew my own daughter believed she was loved out of obligation. I tenderly cradle her face in my hands and look deep into her eyes and say, “Though you were not my plan, you were God’s plan and His plans are far better than anything I could possibly imagine. He does not make mistakes. He does not make accidents. He is the author of all that is good. ‘What Satan intends for evil, God intends for good’ (Genesis 50:20) and without a doubt, Meg, “God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28)

“You were chosen, Dear Meg. You were elected to be my daughter and more importantly, you were elected to be the daughter of the Most High, our Precious, precious Savior. God knew your ‘inmost being and knit you together in my womb’. I cannot help but to praise Him constantly, Meg, because you are ‘fully and wonderfully made’. Sure, you were made in sin, but that did not escape God’s ever watchful eye or what He was planning for you.  He saw your unformed body in my belly and He smiled as He thought to himself, ‘How wonderful it will be to watch my plan for this ever precious girl to unfold. Boy, do I have so much in store for her’. Meg, God thinks about you constantly. You can never escape His thoughts or the love He has for you, as they well outnumber the grains of sand on every beach. God made you on purpose and for a purpose. You were chosen by Him! (Psalm 139)

Her sobs slow and she is listening intently, not objecting to this truth. I shared more of her story, a story we rarely talk about. We have only given her enough information to answer her on-going questions about her conception, for fear of sharing something she is not ready to hear. However, we missed sharing the most important part of her story. I share with her that her story actually begins years before she was even born. Her Daddy and I tried for three years, approximately 36 times to have her. We wanted another baby more than anything. She was my all consuming thought and desire. I prayed for her constantly all those years, though I did not know her. It was only short time prior to the rape that we were told we would not be able to have any more children. I gave away my crib and resolved that this was God’s plan for us and our desire for another child would instead come through adoption. Heartbroken, I deeply mourned something I felt I lost.

“Meg, you have no idea how much I wanted you. You were not planned to come into our lives like you did. I didn’t know what to expect. Though I did know you were a blessing, for God says repeatedly that “All children are a blessing from the Lord.”(Psalm 127:3) You are my pearl, my treasure of great value formed from a very horrific situation. I loved you before you were born and I love you more with each passing day, not because I have to, but because I cannot help but to love who you are. I choose to love you. Both sobbing now, I kissed her face a million times saying over and over again, I love you, I love you, I love you.

This morning as I was reading, God brought me to a complete stand still as my mind was taken to a place I never anticipated. Reading about God in His sovereignty, choosing to set His free and merciful love upon us, I saw that time and time again throughout scripture that His love is not constrained by anything we do, by our virtue, or are anything we are born into or born as a result of. Christ choosing us has everything to do with His pleasure and nothing to do with our merit. What extravagant grace that He would choose to love us despite our human abilities or inabilities. “He [God] is free to choose whomever He pleases, even if He has to create a child by a miraculous birth” (John Piper). We see this clearly in the Old Testament story of Abraham and Sarah when God’s promise is fulfilled in a divine and miraculous way when he blesses them with their son, Isaac, though Sarah was decades past child-bearing age.

Upon reading these words, I let out the biggest gasp and held my heart for I felt so strongly that these words were meant for me to read this very day! These words are not a new concept to me by any means. I guess I just needed to see them in view of a different light, in view of something so close to my heart---something so very, very personal. Perhaps, like Meg, we wonder if we are loved out of obligation. Take heart and bask, Beloved, in the fact that if you know Jesus as your Savior, you have been chosen and He dances over you with singing and covers you with His wings. You are His! You were created on purpose and for a purpose.  He foreknew you and chose you to be conformed to the likeness of His Son.” (Romans 8:29)

Meg is a “Child of Promise”. God not only formed her, has plans to prosper her and not to harm her (Jeremiah 29:11), but has chosen her as His daughter.  He chose her! He chose her! He didn’t choose her out of obligation or by any merit of her own, but strictly for His own pleasure. He loves her because He chooses to love her.  He delights over her. And so do I! A millions times over, I would chose her.