Fragile Faith

Years ago I came across words written so prophetically tender to my soul that ever since, I have quoted and re-quoted John Piper’s affirmation as well as have given the Lord complete access to my life in hopes that He would gently guide and refine me  into authentically living out these words.

The words?

“God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him” (John Piper, Desiring God).

It is my deepest desire to glorify the Lord. I want nothing more than when I see Him face to face for Him to welcome me into the folds of His wings and give me the biggest papa bear hug---so big that I am lifted a foot off the ground. And as He sets me back on the ground, He looks me square in the eye, tears of joy streaming down His cheeks as He whispers, “Well done, my Beloved. There is no doubt that you have loved me, lived for me, and served others in my name. You gave everything you had until there was nothing left, but Me and then you kept going in faith”.  I am not perfect by any means, but I live confidently in Him, sometimes even radically (which for this introvert is really living in faith!) as I attempt to live with my eyes fixed on Him. I truly am satisfied in Him.

I am satisfied in Him because I trust Him implicitly. The Bible is filled with countless promises and He has fulfilled every one of them in my life. He has lead me through some earth shattering circumstances, been the light in the midst of my darkest hours. He has spoken to my tender heart and given me strength to endure hardships while conquering others. He has been the source of exuberant joy and given me peace that surpasses all understanding. He has given me His eyes to see the world as He does and have a compassion and empathy that are not my own for the brokenhearted, the unlovely, and even the crude. I see Him when I look for Him. I feel Him when I quiet my soul. I hear Him when I read His Word. I am completely satisfied in Him.

However, I know many people are not satisfied in Him, don’t trust Him, don’t feel His presence. I know people who blame Him for the injustice in the world and therefore believe He is not a loving God. It makes sense that people who are not Christ-followers feel this way because they only know of Christ, not Christ Himself. However, we don’t expect Christians to feel this way.

My oldest daughter wrestles with her faith. Though she believes in God, has asked Him to be the Lord of her life, attends church regularly, prays, and reads her Bible, she struggles with this being enough. As we were talking about this one night last week, she breaks down, sobbing---the kind of sobbing that swells from the inside out, staining her face with hot tears that reveal an inner wrestling that she cannot make sense of. Between heavy sobs, she says, “I’m not like you, Mom. I don’t feel God. I look at you and you ooze this love for Him, you see Him, you hear His voice, you feel Him, and I, I just don’t”.  If I am being completely honest, my initial reaction was surprise. Not feel God? How can that be? How easy it is for us to assume that others think and feel the way we do; that God speaks and guides others in the same way He does us. The Lord was quick to help me catch my tongue and guard my expression so as not to add insult to her already hemorrhaging heart. I know she is alone in her wrestling.

Christianity is not mimicking someone else’s walk with Christ, though we may be inspired by them. Occasionally, we find ourselves in the midst of those whose faith seems to come easier to them. They seem to encapsulate humility while at the same time a confidence which we can only dream of encompassing. They know the Bible like the back of their hand and pray so eloquently---so poetically, that we, in comparison, sound like a blubbering fool.  We have witnessed others be moved by the Spirit because they not only hear His voice, they trust Him. They know Him, really know Him and unapologetically live out of this deep, deep love they have for Him. We all know someone like that. And although my daughter does not say she desires her faith to look like mine, she believes that faith must look and feel a certain way.  In my daughter’s frustration, she asks, “So faith is just believing, not anything else? No feelings, no nothing?”

Searching my mind and silently asking the Lord to guide this conversation, I reminded her that our faith is not based on feelings, but on the decision to trust that God’s Word is truth, that He died for us, paying the penalty for our sin because He loves us that much. I reminded her that her checklist (reading her Bible, attending church, praying…) can easily become a religious act---where we live by the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law. Christianity is about relationship, not rules.  Reading the Bible, praying, and attending church are tools to build and maintain an intimate relationship with Christ---which is where that immeasurable love she desperately desires springs forth for Christ.  A lot of people follow a similar checklist, doing all the “right” things and never learn to follow Jesus---never fall in love with Him. It’s easy to follow a plan, but not so easy to fully relinquish ourselves to God’s authority. If we have our eyes on ourselves, our accomplishments, our goals while marking off our checklist, how can we be sold out for Christ? I think this is where the root of many of our struggles lie.

My daughter listens attentively and nods her head in understanding, but still looks for something more. We have become a world of quick fixes and instant gratification. We gravitate toward books and magazines that promise step by step solutions to "live our best life now". We don’t want to think. We don’t necessarily even want to do the work. We just want someone to tell us what to do and how to think and hope we get the results we desire. A personal relationship with Christ cannot be replicated or manufactured. It’s personal. My relationship with Christ is different from your relationship with Christ.

So, I share with my Delightful that the mark of a Christian is not in how much she prays, reads the Bible, shares her faith with others, her church attendance record, or even how well she follows the ten commandments. Rather, the mark of a Christian is how well we love one another.  As Christians, our intimacy with Christ manifests itself by how we respond to others in need. I cannot help but to think of James 1:27, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and the widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”. As we grow in intimacy with Christ, our heartbeat grows in sync with His and we see the world in a whole new perspective. It is a perspective that begs for us to show love in an array of ways (using our gifts, talents, and passions that the Lord has equipped us with) to all those around us.

I tell my daughter that she has all the tools she needs, but perhaps she has misunderstood the tools, how to use them, as well as how live them out.  So, in an attempt to encourage her, I do my best to define the tools and their purpose.  I start with prayer.

Prayer is not as scary as it may sound. The key component to prayer is simply being present with the Lord. I often times picture myself kneeling before the cross. When I do, my focus is completely on Him and not on myself and my heart is humbled as I breathe in His immeasurable sacrifice for me. Sometimes my prayers are said in the sanctuary of my heart, no words, just silent fellowship with Him. Sometimes, I talk to Him like I’m talking to a friend---about everything and nothing, about small things and big things. Sometimes my prayer is simply saying, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” in unison with the beating of my heart because I don’t know what else to say. I pray while I’m working. I pray while I’m sitting in the solitude of my home. And sometimes, I sing worship songs as my prayer (For those of you who know my singing ability, remember that Jesus tells us to make a joyful noise unto the Lord!). Jesus left an example of how to pray in Matthew 6:9-13: The Lord’s Prayer. Essentially, it reveals our respect, gratitude, need, and desire for Him in our lives.

Talking to someone we don’t know well yet is awkward to say the least. As we grow in friendship, it will become easier to be transparent and vulnerable before God and we will eventually hear His voice---not necessarily audibly, but He will make His presence and will known to us. He tells us that when we seek Him, we will find Him (Jer. 29:13). I promise He does not make Himself hard to find!

For me, nothing about nature escapes my ever searching eye for Him. I see God in the majestic, rugged mountains, in the long sandy beaches, in the vastness of fields, and in the mystic edges of hovering fog. I feel Him in the sun’s warmth, in the down pour of rain, and the gracefulness of falling snow. I smell Him in the pine trees and in the fresh cut grass. I hear Him in the silence of early mornings as the sun crests the eastern horizon. I hear Him in the whispers of the wind as it runs its fingers through the spindly branches of my willow tree. I hear Him in the sweet melody of the robins and the low hum of the hummingbirds. I could go on and on about the beauty I see of Christ in nature. God is in it all so that we might glimpse His glory and worship Him in utter admiration. This worship is prayer.

My daughter doesn’t make eye contact. Instead she worries a loose thread on her sweater. I know she’s listening, taking it all in, so I continue. I reminded her that attending church is not solely about learning something new, but also about being in community with other like-minded people who struggle like we do. It is a place where the walking wounded congregate and encourage one another by helping us fix our eyes on our Lord, the author and finisher of our faith (Heb. 12:2). She interrupts me and scowls, “That only happens when you are in a group. Once you leave that group for whatever reason, you are left on your own. Church is a very lonely place”. Boy, has she got me on that one. I have wrestled with organized religion all my life primarily for this very reason. Church can come across as a club and if you are not part of the “inner circle”, so to speak, you are on your own. It is easy to dwell here and become bitter.

Bitterness is a sneaky tactic of Satan’s. When we feel it brewing deep within us, we need to heed the warning and stop everything, fall to our knees, and ask the Lord to take it from us. Unchecked, bitterness will rob us of the very joy God so desperately wants for us. I, personally, have been hurt by the church repeatedly. I can choose to focus on the people who have grieved my soul or I can choose to seek God with all my heart, mind, and soul. Church is a place filled with sinners; many of them are desperately seeking God and desire to walk in communion with others who believe as they do.  

I love worship probably more than anything else; which is slightly ironic because I am the least musical person on the planet. In that moment, it is just me and God and I hardly notice others around me. It fills me, ministers to me, and is a balm for whatever has grieved my heart during the week. It draws me like nothing else.

It’s hard to sing a love song to a God we don’t know or feel in love with, or a God that we are questioning or even doubting. I say don’t sing, just listen. Let the words wash over you; allow them to lead you to seeking out more of Him. (Most songs sung in church are based on scripture).

Followed by worship is the sermon which is just a fancy word for a lesson. I have gone to several kinds of churches.  One where the Pastor yells and pounds his fists on the podium telling us that we’re all going to hell. Another church where I’ve heard great topical life lessons, but the Bible is not necessarily preached. And another kind of church called an expository church, where the scriptures are broken down and explained in detail so that common folk, like me, understand what we’re reading. The Bible, though originally written in Greek and Hebrew is not meant to sound like a foreign language to us. God wrote it for all people, so finding a translation that is easier to understand and find a style of teaching that is meaningful to us, one based on the Bible, is essential. If we don’t understand something, we need to seek someone out. Churches are equipped with staff to help find the answers to our questions.

My girl looks up at me and I feel I’ve lost her. I am not sure she is on the same page as I am here, which wounds my heart. I know that bitterness has taken root and is crowding out the Truth that must be plucked before she can find her way again. I continue on however, telling her that reading her Bible is perhaps the most valuable tool in learning about God’s character. When we see how He responds in the various stories He has left for us in His Word, we will discover Who He is---not just to Adam, the Israelites or even to the Apostle Paul, but Who He is to us. Fundamentally, “Jesus is servant, ministering to the needs of others” (Brennan Manning). You cannot fall in love with someone you don’t know. The Bible unfolds Christ’s character and without a doubt, as we read and study His Word, we will come to know and love Him.

Out of our love for Christ, we begin to deliberately, consciously, and eagerly desire to live for Him. Simply, this looks like love. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27). Jesus lived for others. Jesus served others and gave sacrificially of Himself. We are to do the same—which is contrary to the mentality of our world. It is not up to us to determine how we will be used for God’s witness or for His glory. We simply love and let God take care of everything else.

Quietly sitting there, taking in my words, I run to the other room to grab the book I am reading because I have, have to share what I had just read that morning with my girl. “All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If He wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is His concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that” (Dominique Voillaume).

I pause and look at my daughter. She slowly looks up at me and bites her quivering lip. She whispers, “So God really takes care of everything else, I just have to believe?” Tears streaming down my cheeks, I say, “Yes”.

It is my heart’s cry that my daughters apprehend the wonderment of God’s merciful gift to us, that they would accept being accepted (I’m still working on that myself), and understand that the essence for a follower of Jesus lays in living in faith, not some sort of checklist. “Living by faith consists in constantly redefining and reaffirming our identity with Jesus---measuring ourselves against Him---not measuring ourselves against our church dogmas and local heroes.  Jesus is the light of the world. In His light we discover that it is not mere rhetoric that Jesus demands, but personal renewal, fidelity to the Word, and creative conduct” (Brennan Manning).

Grace under Pressure

I cannot go through a single day without the thought of grace lingering in the forefront of my mind. Moment by moment, I have a choice of whether or not I will choose to respond to an injustice/sin in grace or allow my human instinct of judgment and consequence to spill from my lips. Grace is somewhat abstract because it is the gift of favor or pardon in light of what we deserve; however there are conditions to receiving this grace, not just from others, but from Christ as well.

Grace does not turn a blind eye to sin. Grace does not release us from accountability or even from consequences. I’ll admit that I have thought of grace as being ultra compassionate toward someone’s circumstances without judgment or consequence for a long time, but as I have attempted to understand church discipline more, I have been challenged to seek meaning in the seemingly hazy line between grace as I have always defined it and discipline.

Grace chooses to see the heart of the person before their sin and acts in response.  I can think of no better example than the story found in John 8. (Paraphrasing) A woman brought before the court had been found guilty of adultery. In those days, anyone found guilty of adultery was to be stoned to death. However, as the teachers of the Law, Pharisees and onlookers waited breathlessly to hear the woman’s sentencing, the Judge solemnly declared, “He who is without sin may cast the first stone”.  Obviously, not one was without sin and all eventually left the court, leaving only the Judge and the woman. Picture this tender moment with me:  Jesus kneels before the young woman, looks her in the eye and whispers, “Is there no one to cast the first stone?” Tears streaming down her face, her lip quivering, as both her mind and eyes question what has just happened, as she whispers an unbelieving, “No”. Jesus then tenderly cups her cheek in his hand and says, “Then neither do I. Go off and commit this sin no more”.  This is grace. Jesus saw her repentant heart, forgave her and sent her on her way while man looked at her outward appearance (1 Sam. 16:7). This is not to say that the woman did not receive any consequences; most assuredly she did. However, she was not condemned.

As Christians, we experientially know that God is grace. Everything we read, study and experience of Him oozes unfathomable grace. We also know that as Christians, we are called to imitate Christ--- to be sacrificially, gracefully accepting of all people, to forgive those that wrong us, and love our neighbors (our enemies, those with alternative life styles, beliefs, etc.---there are no exceptions) as Christ loved the Church. Think about that for a moment: how did Christ love the church? He loved with His entire being, with everything He had to give, including humbling himself from His position in Heaven to becoming and living as a common man and sacrificing His very life for our sakes. He lived his life among the beggars, thieves, diseased, prostitutes---the unlovely, the unlikeable, and the unworthy. He was eager to wash the feet of the broken, the hurting, and the sinful and He justly and wisely admonished the wrong, the prideful, and the sinners.

Even though I have not questioned God’s grace, I have wrestled for decades with the church’s grace where discipline is concerned. Several examples of church discipline come to mind: a friend while in high school got pregnant and had to share her sin before the church, another friend who had admitted to having sex outside of marriage during premarital counseling was told she could not wear white and instead had to wear a pink wedding dress. Another friend was raped by a fellow member of the church and instead of discipline being brought upon the man, the young man was forgiven by the church and still allowed to attend (which forced the girl to leave the church, question God’s love for her, and her value). Three different circumstances; three different churches and yet, in all three situations, the line between discipline and grace is confusing at best. We want to believe that the church is doing the right and best thing and in accordance with scripture, but in instances like these it causes us to question not only the church’s grace, but God’s grace as well.

I struggle with the seeming injustice often found in church discipline. It is not that I don’t believe in church discipline. I do. It is Biblical.

“Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path; the one who hates correction will die” (Proverbs 15:10).

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?” (Hebrews 12:7).

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained” (Hebrews 12:11).

However, I believe some churches see the sin and not the heart of the person. If the heart is repentant, then allow natural consequences be the only discipline one receives. If the sin keeps occurring without a repentant heart, then intercession and correction are necessary.  Not one of us is without sin, not one! (1 John 1:8). It’s interesting to me to think about what sins are often brought before the church. Usually sexual immorality; I’ve never heard anything but. However, God does not weigh our sins or assign varying degrees of sin. A lie is a sin. Adultery is a sin. And both look the same in God’s eyes.

So in light of discipline, how does grace fit into the picture? Although grace is a free gift, there are conditions for receiving it and remaining in it. Here are just a few:

God gives more grace to the humble (James 4:6). Therefore, if we are humbled in Him, we will receive more grace.

“The Lord your God is gracious and merciful and will not turn His face away from you, if you return to Him” (2 Chron. 30:9). He will look upon us if we return to Him. On the flip side, if we do not return to Him, we forfeit His merciful grace.

“He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you” (Is. 30:19). We must cry out to Him so He can lavish His grace upon us.

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love towards those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:11). Fearing God is not the shaking in your boots in the middle of the night kind of fear. It is a reverent, sweet humility and submission to His authority and power.  When we live within this holy respect of the Almighty God, His steadfast love is boundless toward us.

The list goes on. And as I read countless scriptures where grace is clearly conditional, I see two things. First, I see that God desires nothing more than to lavish such love and grace on us. And second, He is just waiting for the moment when we relinquish our lives to Him, seek His face and will in all things.

John Piper, in his book, “Future Grace” (2012), points out 10 conditions to receive grace:

1. Love God
2. Delight in Him
3. Draw near to Him
4. Wait on Him
5. Take refuge in Him
6. Hope in Him
7. Trust in Him
8. Cry out to Him
9. Fear Him
10. Look to Him

Does this list look like a synopsis of what having faith looks like, or what?  Faith, in essence, looks to God and embraces Him and Him alone. And although faith has inner and outer components, this list speaks to the condition of a faithful heart, to a heart emptied of self and eyes firmly fixed on Him. Clearly, the condition to receive grace is that we must have faith.”By grace you have been saved, through faith…” (Romans 3:23).

From faith grows love for others. Love is the second component to faith. It is the outward expression of our love for Christ. Loving others is a necessary evidence of our faith. It’s so important, in fact, that Christ commanded it. “This is His commandment; that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another” (1 John 3:23). Two actions: believe and love, one command. So to digest some of this information; grace is conditioned on our having faith, which is rooted in Christ’s love which then spills out onto others. So my question then becomes, what does grace look like practically when discipline is necessary?

I am reminded of a conversation I had with my teenage daughter just yesterday when I wrapped up her consequences with the words, “I am doing this because I love you. If I didn’t love you, I’d let you do whatever you wanted. Accountability is love”. I have faith in my daughter. I trust her, but she still needs guidance and every now and then discipline to keep her on the right track, especially when that track keeps veering off course.

Grace shows incredible love and devotion to the person being disciplined. It says, “I love and care so much about you to let you remain in this unhealthy place”.

I believe there is a place for church discipline, when it has been marinated in love for the person---not as a way to expose their sin, but as a way to expose them to Christ’s grace and forgiveness for them. I have yet to see church discipline done well. I think it’s a tricky thing and often can be misunderstood by the congregation as well as the recipient. Some churches are legalistic in their approach (such as the ones I mentioned at the beginning), missing the purpose of discipline. One sin is not more substantial than another in Christ’s eyes. Not one of us is worthy of casting the first stone. Therefore, to discipline, we must, must act in grace---through love for one another and with the ultimate purpose of pointing our brother or sister back to the Lord.

Can you imagine what church discipline rooted in excessive love would look like? Discipline should be an overwhelming feeling of love and respect for the recipient---intimate and grace-filled and should cause the recipient to desire to change paths, knowing they are supported every step of the way.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).
 
“Let all you do be done in love” (1 Cor. 16:14).

Losing my Religion

I love someone I have only seen through the fullness of fragrant peonies, the milky warmth of sunrises, fire blazing sunsets, and through brilliant sparkles precisely hung in the depths of darkness begging me to count beyond my ability. I’ve seen Him in the mighty tree laded mountains towering over variegated grasses slow dancing in the whispers of the afternoon breeze. I’ve seen Him in the silvery ripples playing hide and seek in clear babbling streams that yearn for my feet to share in its joy by kicking and splashing relentlessly. I see Him in the complexity of science as well as in the simple innocence of laugher. I’ve felt His presence and heard His voice throughout my entire life, through all seasons, as He graciously and continuously fulfills His promises of provision, protection, guidance, and unconditional, sacrificial love for me. My world oozes God. I cannot, cannot get enough of Him. The love I have for Him supersedes any other love I have ever known.  This love keeps me going back for more. It fulfills. It sustains me like nothing else in the entire world. It speaks to me, ministers to me, teaches me, guides me, and loves me as I am.  

In life, we know this is a rare and precious love.  Most people would say that it doesn’t exist; perhaps that we are living in a dream world. And if, by chance, people allow us to believe in such a love, they say, “It won’t last, that it’s only a matter of time before we slip up, fail, and lose this love.” The world is filled with skeptics, people who have been hurt and struggle to trust, people who are blinded to what is right before their eyes. Some are romantics however, and encourage, “It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all”; believing that to love is a risk.

Christians, we want to believe, are different; that once we discover this love, it becomes a part of us---our identity—and we never fear losing something so entirely precious based on our actions. But the truth is, many of us have the same fears. And more than a few of us live life knowing we’re entirely unworthy of such unconditional, sacrificial, authentic love that we try to earn it. We bend over backwards, living through a set of self-imposed rules and restrictions in hopes that we, through our own feeble actions/abilities, can refine ourselves into a state of near perfection which God will look our way and say, “Well now, here’s one worthy of my love.”

Attempting to control our spirituality, our refinement process in hopes to earn this kind of love, (it’s called Agape love btw) is crazy at best. Many Christians know this and yet easily fall into a works-driven “faith”; believing they can work for their salvation, which essentially is God’s gracious love for us. I believe the reason this performance or work driven cycle continues to sneak its way into our lives is because the world works this way. “If I do this, then blank happens.” We see time and time again that when we work for something, we are rewarded with appreciation, a paycheck, self pride, etc.  We’re conditioned to perform from young ages. Parents give praise for good grades, for placing well in a sports event, even being a good friend and we learn that if I do my part and do it well, I earn affection. (Side note: I absolutely believe parents should praise their children for their efforts and accomplishments, but not only in performance areas. Praising their character trumps performance any day and helps children understand they are loved and valued for who they are---as they are---not what they do).

Perhaps this works-driven faith, or what I have always referred to as “religion”, happens because we have not fully grasped or accepted that God’s love is free, that He is not of the world, so He doesn’t respond like the world. This popular ploy of Satan’s also causes us to focus on ourselves and performance rather than having our eyes fixed on Christ and what He has already done for us while we were still sinners.  Perhaps we missed the part where God promises that He will finish what He begins in us. Meaning, He is taking responsibility for us and our growth. When we try to control the outcome, we are in actuality showing how little faith we have in God and inadvertently elevate ourselves above God. Faith is not about works. It’s not about performance. It’s not about rules and restrictions. It’s not even about us.

Richard Rohr, author of Naked Now (2009), writes about faith as “being united with Christ”.  Although I know religious works keep us at arms’ length from a God we claim to love, I have to admit that I haven’t thought about what it means to be in union with Christ.  When the subject of faith comes up, my mind is quick to go to Hebrews 11:1, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for through things unseen”. Though true, this scripture personally leaves me clamoring for more answers, for a greater definition, for something deeper, meatier.  It always has, ever since I memorized it at the ripe age of nine. At that age, I dismissed it, thinking I just didn’t have the maturity to understand such complex matters. Here I am a whole lot older and I still struggle to understand. So I read on, trying to grasp a better understanding of this “unity in Christ” concept. I’ll confess, I have heard this terminology many times before, even sing about it on a regular basis. However, I have not really taken it to heart, thought more introspectively about it as a way to better understand my faith. Rather, I’ve always thought of God as being beyond me, not out of reach, but not so close that He literally dwells within me. It’s a bit too abstract even for this imaginative girl!

As I write this, I find I am consumed with a precious memory of when I was four years old and shyly and yet so intently asked my Daddy to help me ask Jesus into my heart. With my mom and dad in my bedroom, I prayed a simple prayer, admitting that I was a sinner, that I believed that God sent his Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and then rose from the dead three days later to prove He was indeed God. I remember hoping as I asked Jesus into my heart, that He would accept my invitation. My parents assured me that He did!  I wish at four, I realized that Jesus was literally taking up residence in my life, not just figuratively. Children don’t get so wrapped up in the complexity or abstract nature of faith. They simply believe. I know now that I was the one accepting God’s invitation, not the other way around!

First up, “God’s love has been (as in already) poured out onto us” Romans 5:5.

OK, so clearly God is all in. He’s invested. He’s given everything. Got it. From this scripture, it sounds like to be unified; I have to be the one to take the next step.

“Believe in the Lord and you will be saved” Acts 16:31.

That’s it? Simply believe? For many, I think this is where the rub lies. It is hard to believe in something we cannot see, don’t give credit to experiencing, etc.  (People who struggle with faith or God live by their own merit, for their own merit). OK, so I believe. Moving on.

“The Spirit is with you and in you” John 14:17.

(Though comforting to me, it may sound a litter poltergeist-ish to others).  He is with me always, to the end of time. He will never leave me, He will never forsake me, and He loves me as far as the east is from the west and forgives me just as much.  He is my all in all. He is my foundation. He is my hope.

Rohr reminds us that “hope and union are the same thing and that real hope has nothing to do with mental certitudes” (Rohr, 16). Meaning, that our union in Christ has nothing to do with the ways of this world, the mental games we play with ourselves in attempts to gain His acceptance, appreciation, and love. No, simply we are united because God chose us and we chose Him back. No strings attached. This union is a mutual choosing of one another. Simply, it’s relationship.

Hope is actively being fulfilled through an inconceivably precious union in and with Christ! Sitting with that statement, I find myself in awe of the realization that Christ has been within me and I in Him all along.  I never grasped that, never appreciated the significance of such sacrifice for the almighty God to inhabit this lowly soul. I am not my own. I am His beloved bride and His thoughts about me outnumber the grains of sand. The palms of His hands bare my name. At the risk of trivializing this beautiful union: we run life together as a three legged race, like two peas in a pod, like peanut butter and jelly.  He is not without me and I am not without Him. My heart quickens at the thought and I am humbly brought to my knees both in thanksgiving and in utter adoration for my God!

Faith is relishing in the truth that we are no longer separated from Him.

Sadly, and maybe like a lot of well-meaning Christ followers, I’ve made faith more of a religion than a relationship at times. I am giving up following the “shoulds”. I am giving up the self-imposed rules I’ve prided myself on. I’m giving up trying to appease others by morphing myself to fit what I perceive they want/expect of me as a Christian. I am giving up bending over backwards to earn a love I already have. Instead, I will rest confidently in Christ and allow Him to do the rest.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Cor. 4:18

Serving: A Demonstration of God's Grace

Fear usually stops us dead in our tracks. It’s in our protective nature not put ourselves in harm’s way or in a situation that may bring about pain. Most of the time, this is a healthy fear. However, when fear keeps us on the sidelines of an opportunity to serve Christ, we communicate that we do not trust that God is in control. I have sat here this week in deep contemplation over an amazing opportunity to serve Christ in an area that has been a dream of mine for countless years. Stifled by fear, I said nothing to anyone for several days about this opportunity.

In my solitude, I reasoned that I was not good enough, that I would get in the way of what Christ desires to do through this ministry. I reasoned that my motives, though pure on this side of the opportunity, may become off kilter and at some point I would serve on my own strength and/or for my own pleasure rather than God’s. Essentially, I reasoned I would fail in one regard or another.

Isn’t that just like us: to think about our role, rather than God’s role? How I struggle with that! I measure myself against a monumental task and automatically see that I am not equipped, not big enough, and strong enough to take on such as task. I see this before I see that God IS…God IS! God is bigger than it all and it is for His perfect glory that we serve and in our need for Him, He is magnified. How easy it is to lose this perspective, even if temporary.

Twice this week the parable of the three talents was brought up in discussion. To refresh your memory, the story goes a little something like this:

As a man was getting ready to depart on a journey, he entrusted each one of his servants a portion of his property. To the first servant, he gave five talents, to the second servant he gave two talents, and to the third servant he gave one talent. The story goes on to tell that the servant with five talents invested his money and earned an additional five talents. The servant with two talents also put his talents to work and, like the first servant, doubled his investment. The last servant, who had received one talent, buried his talent in the ground.  After a long while, the master returned to settle accounts with his servants. Upon seeing that two of the servants doubled their investments, he praised them saying, “Well done, good and faithful servants! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share in your master’s happiness” (Matthew 25:21).  Then the servant who had buried his one talent approached his master saying, “I know how hard you work. I feared wasting your talent and disappointing you, so I kept it safe for you. Here it is, safe and sound!” The master, angered by the servant’s laziness (perhaps, obsessive cautiousness), said, “You would have been better to have invested the talent in the bank, where I would have at least got a little interest”. Then, he took the talent and gave it to the one who has risked the most.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly see myself in this parable. Fear of failing, fear of disappointing our ever precious Savior is often a tactic Satan employs on those who desire to be faithful in service to Christ.  Fear is not of Christ. Fear isolates. Fear prevents growth.  At this thought… this fact, I can practically hear Him ask, “Will you serve me, even if you suffer, even if you fail by the world’s standards? By trusting me, Beloved, you will be my precious demonstration of my holiness. Trust me to go about my Father’s business through you”.

Feeling convicted for elevating my role over Christ’s once again, I pour out my heart to Him, confessing my pride, my inadequacies, my fears and ask Him to take it all… My Precious Redeemer, empty me of anything unpleasing to you, mold me and shape me into a vessel that will not only be filled with your living water, but to be of use.  I want desperately to invest your talents that you have bestowed upon me, not to hide them out of fear of failure. Lord, my ultimate desire is to be the servant that stands tall and confidently says, “Here I am! Send me! Use me!” With this petition, my hearts finds rest on the knowledge that God does not leave to uncertain risk, our growth and perserverance in holiness. Rather, He says, "I will put my Spirit within you, and will cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to observe my ordinances" (Ezekiel 36:27). I find incredible comfort in knowing it is God who works in us to will and do His good pleasure (Hebrews 13:21).

Where I see God working is my call to also serve there. It is there I am to invest His talents that He has lent me.  How I desire to not let those talents go void because of fear. Instead, it is my hope that I will one day hear Him say, “Well done, my good and precious servant”.

Trust

I am certain the imagine of Meg gently laying her head on the nape of Rusty’s neck  as we were setting out to leave the Ranch today will forever be imbedded in my mind. I hope it is at least for it captured a tender moment between a hurting girl and a horse who knows pain all too well himself. Hugging Rusty after a gentle meandering through trails blazing with harvest colors and crisp leaves under foot this afternoon; I saw a connection between them that I did not see so readily last week. There was trust.

Trust usually takes time to build. Though it has only been two weeks, an unyielding bond has been made between girl and horse. Perhaps there is an unspoken language rooted in deep respect for what one another have been through. There is tenderness toward one another, a beautiful dance of love and respect, of safety and harmony. Nothing, nothing could be more beautiful to witness as the melody of grace fills the air.

In sharing our experience at Raven Rock Ranch, I have repeatedly said, “There is just something incredibly remarkable happening there”. The foundation itself was built upon Christ and without a doubt; His grace is touching hearts, kids and parents alike, on a monumental scale. This place is different. This is not a temporary fix, this is life-giving. This is Hope. And it is here that my Meg is learning to trust!

Until today, Meg has not known this kind of trust. She lives on the defensive, always, as a way to protect her heart from being hurt further. She lives from the place of doubt and discouragement. Her wounds are not only raw; they run deep, to the core of who she is. She has been in desperate need of our Great Physician for years, though she cannot see that. As her parents, we have tried countless things from extracurricular activities to help build her self esteem to counseling and medication; all which leave her with temporary results, temporary hopes.

Watching Rusty run to the fence to greet Meg is an image of how it is when we show up to spend time with God. He RUNS to us. It doesn’t matter where we have been, what we have done or what has been done to us. He is jubilant in our return! In our return, He see our hearts and the dark, searing pain and is not spooked or surprised by it, rather the melodious dance of grace continues as He so gently whispers in our ear, “…by my wounds you have been healed, my Beloved (Isaiah 53:5). Trust in me.

Trusting in the promise that God will work all things together for those who love and have been called according to His purpose not only brings Him immense and holy pleasure (Romans 8:28), but also reminds me that it is for HIS good and perfect pleasure we seek, not ours, that though our hopes for healing may or may not take place, His glory is the ultimate goal. It has taken me a long time to see that even when my prayers, hopes, and dreams are not answered as I would like, that God is still God. He is still merciful, still trustworthy.

I know that I can do nothing on my own strength to bring God glory. I need Him. Honestly, I am in great need of Him. I have waited for His strength, His courage, knowing fully that He, in His perfect timing, would supply all that I need. And without a doubt, I see it so clearly at Raven Rock Ranch that I cannot keep my joy hidden (unfortunately my joy comes out in tears, which is embarrassing!). I have put my hope in Him. He is my Refuge, my Strength, and my Treasure.  “From Him and through Him and to Him are all things; to Him be glory forever and ever”(Romans 11:36).

Trust is the first step toward healing and today, Meg took it with Rusty.

Fear or Faith?

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind”. 2 Timothy 1:7

I have to be honest and admit that though I have heard these words countless times in my life, even memorized them, I have not taken them to heart and pondered them deeply, until this week. These are words to live by, to hold sacred-- deep within our souls to combat those times when drought, anxiousness, and worry find residency in our hearts and minds. However, I believe most of us don’t readily accept these words. We may even say, “This may be true for him/her, but it is not true for me”. We don’t trust God’s words. Instead we choose, yes choose, to live in fear rather than in faith.

Sitting in a disheveled bedroom, so cluttered that there was nowhere to sit but a small clearing on the floor, I found myself face to face with a tear stained and equally disheveled young girl. It was recently discovered that she had been cutting herself. Feeling completely ill equipped, as this topic was certainly out of my realm of both knowledge and comfortableness; I found myself sharing these very words, though it sounded more like: you have the choice to choose fear or choose faith. When you choose fear, you are clearly saying, “God is not big enough for this situation”.  The girl’s eyes had not made contact with mine for quite some time, but at these words, her eyes shot me a hot and bitter look, as if to say, “That’s not true!”

“That’s not true!” we may say of ourselves when confronted by our own actions. We have a hundred excuses as to why we are in the driver’s seat and Christ is in the passenger’s seat. Somehow we reason that if I just do this or if I just do that, then all will be OK. We may reason that we are helping God or that we need to clean up our lives before we really let Christ take up residency in our heart. Somehow we try to atone for our sins through duty, rather than by repentance.

Because I know so very little about cutting, I found it interesting that this young girl revealed to me that she wanted all the pain and sin to be washed out with the blood. Graphic, I know.  At her words, an image of Jesus’ bruised, bloodied, and broken body on the cross flashed in my mind. I can only speculate that she was attempting to some degree to pay a price for some wrong doing or some injustice that had been done to her.
 
Though not nearly as graphic, we too attempt to find our own salvation or atone for our sins though piling up good works or attempting to living to the letter of the law, rather than to the spirit of the law…payment in some regard for what we have received or to compensate for what we have done. Having accepted Christ into our hearts, we still find ourselves trying to earn something we already have: His acceptance, His unconditional love for us, our eternal salvation.
 
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives love lives in God, and God in Him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”. 1 John 4:16-18.

The silence compressed heavily on my heart and my mind searched rapidly for the right words to say to this young girl, praying for words of wisdom, I found none.  I reached out to touch her, to comfort her, only for my touch to be rejected. A single tear fell down my cheek and my nose begun to run. Hurting, I could not resist the question…”Does cutting really help relieve your pain? Does it make whatever has happened better?” Without looking up, she straightforwardly said, “No, but it might someday and that’s why I keep trying.”

“And that’s why I keep trying”. Her words felt like a trampling of wild horses across my chest. Though her secret had been discovered, she had no intention of stopping. She believed that this ludicrous act would save her, would take away her sins, that causing herself to bleed would somehow bring her the peace she so, so desperately seeks.  I wonder, if we too, “keep trying” to find that fulfillment, that right combination of works and worship in hopes that we would find God’s favor.  Sure, we know we have it already, but our actions reveal that we don’t trust that knowledge. It is, like this young girl, fear-- a lack of trust that drives us to such unnecessary lengths.

The girl, seeing my tears, softened and moved slightly closer to me, though she still resisted my touch. I smiled a toothless smile and as I did, I fell into such a deep weeping that it seemed impossible to stop.  Once composed, I told her that I had good news for her. Looking back on the situation, I am sure she thought I was a lunatic: sobbing uncontrollably one moment and saying I had good news the next. I told her that someone had already shed all His blood for her. And it would only be His, the perfect Lamb of God, whose blood would work to take away our sins and hurt and to replace them with peace and salvation. Because He did this, she did not have to. Her sacrifice would not earn her anything or take anything away. Because as a young girl, she had already accepted Christ as Lord of her life, she already had acceptance, forgiveness, and salvation. Somehow, like we often do, she lost sight of that. She thought she needed to add to what Christ has already done.

At these words, the girl began to cry. Wiping her nose with her shirt, I wondered what she would say. She said nothing, though she did lay her head on my lap. Her journey is far from over. She will need constant reminding that she already has all she needs in Christ. Perhaps, we too need that reminding. I know I do from time to time as it is entirely too easy for me to add to what Christ has already given to me.  Trusting that He is enough is hard.  Trust takes time and commitment to build.  If we are not spending time in intimate fellowship with Christ, we do not know Him and it becomes easy to start living from a place of fear, because fear is our natural state without Christ.

I ended my time with this girl with the question, “Will you choose to live in fear or will you choose to live in faith? It is a choice we all have to make. Our actions will reveal our choice”. No words were spoken as she hugged me tight.  I pray that the Lord would increase my faith, for there are times I question, times I doubt, and certainly times I live life for me and on my own strength. I want more of Him in my life. I desperately want to live according to what I know rather than what I feel.

Without a doubt, life will bring challenges. These challenges do not separate us from God. Fear separates us from God--and "fear in its purest form is really unbelief, the false conviction that God can't, God won"t...so I must. Faith on the other hand, chooses to believe that God can, God wants to, and God will...so I will choose to trust Him with my life." Faith and fear are mutually exclusive. Only one can rule our hearts.