A Wagon Full of Rocks

I recently read a story of a man whom God asked if he would be willing to carry three packages up the hill to a specific destination. The man briefly thought about it, but then decided that since the packages didn’t weight too much, it would be his honor to serve the Lord in this way. Along the way, he ran into a friend who asked, “Where are you going?” When he responded that he was bringing the packages up the hill for the Lord, his friend replied, “Oh that is so wonderful. I was planning to bring this package myself, but since you are going there anyway, would you mind taking it for me?” “Not at all", replied the man as he added it to his cart. The story goes on to tell that he encountered several more friends, which all added small packages to his cart. Before long, the slight load that he started out with became cumbersome. He worked with all his might, but eventually reached the end of his rope and shouted out, “God, why did you give me so much to take care of? This is too much.” God heard his plight, his frustration and came to his side. As God looked into the cart, he saw package after package piled among His. What are all of these?” asked the Lord. “Oh, this one is John’s package and that one is Sally’s. This one belongs to Nathan and that one belongs…interrupting, God asks, “Why are you carrying everyone else’s packages? I only asked you to carry mine.” With His hands on the man’s shoulders and his eyes looking squarely into his, Christ says, “My yoke is easy and my burden light. I will never ask you to carry more than you can bear.” The story ends there, but I identify with the man who has taken on far more than God has asked of him.

I can hardly help myself! I love to work, I love to clean, I love to help, and I love to be needed….I find happiness, predictability, confidence there. I love making a plan and working it out to perfection---or at least as close to it as I can manage on my own strength. There it is: the rub—on my own strength.  I am pulling my wagon filled with good things---truly all of them are good things, but upon reevaluation, they are not all things that God has asked me to do. Some of these things He has asked other people to do and I have more than willingly stepped in to carry their load. I have unknowingly robbed them of the packages God had in store for them. Their packages, as beautiful and fun as they have been to carry for awhile, have also weighed me down, and taken my attention off the packages God had in mind just for me.  They, in a very real sense, have temporarily tainted my view of my own packages. Attention divided, I have not given Christ my best.  I have been more devoted to duty than to the Creator.

So I sit here today, humbly looking over the countless packages I have in my cart, realizing I have been pulling entirely too much weight, realizing that though all of these packages bring me happiness in and of themselves, the happiness also ends there. It does not fulfill. It does not last. Thinking more deeply about why I have piled more and more packages into my cart, I realize that what I am doing is looking for contentment, for true fulfillment and in the end I come to see that all my “good works” have left me still longing for something more.  It is a sad cycle, clearly spinning out of control.

The cycle stops now because I am in a place where I realize that although all my good works are…good, they are not all for God. I have stamped His name on much of what I do; saying that such and such is for Him, when in actuality I am doing it to gain some measurable accomplishment that I can hang my hat on at the end of each day.  “The Lord does not look at the things a man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”  1 Samuel 16:7 I desperately want the Lord to look at my heart and see my devotion to Him, not all the things I have accomplished.

The happiness and contentment that I long for and have sought after through good works is not always measurable this side of heaven. That is perhaps one of the hardest parts of this equation for me.  It reveals to me that my faith is not firmly rooted in the things unseen, but more on the things seen. The awareness of that crushes my heart, for I have been in denial for quite some time, focusing on the things of earth rather than the things of heaven. I, desperately, like all of us, have been searching for contentment, for peace, and happiness. I have attempted to find it through duty rather than devotion. I have missed my Lord for all the packages I have chosen to carry.

The key to fulfillment, the package that we seek, is found solely in intimacy with Christ. Intimacy can be scary because it is the place where you come as you are—unworthy, broken, sometimes with only an ounce of faith—we are exposed before God. There is a freedom here, however.  There is freedom because it is here that you realize you are loved unconditionally for who you are. You do not have to earn it. This unconditional love is one of the packages in your wagon. Perhaps, like mine, it has been tainted by all the extra packages you have piled on top of it or you have added to it, thinking it’s not enough on its own. Open this gift, breathe in the freedom it offers and let go of some of the extra packages so that you can truly find joy in what the Lord has given to you. This is a process. I struggle to let go of some amazing packages, but they do not belong to me. I desperately want to find my identity and my freedom in Christ, not in what I am doing, no matter how beautiful the package may be on the outside.