Fragile Faith

Years ago I came across words written so prophetically tender to my soul that ever since, I have quoted and re-quoted John Piper’s affirmation as well as have given the Lord complete access to my life in hopes that He would gently guide and refine me  into authentically living out these words.

The words?

“God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him” (John Piper, Desiring God).

It is my deepest desire to glorify the Lord. I want nothing more than when I see Him face to face for Him to welcome me into the folds of His wings and give me the biggest papa bear hug---so big that I am lifted a foot off the ground. And as He sets me back on the ground, He looks me square in the eye, tears of joy streaming down His cheeks as He whispers, “Well done, my Beloved. There is no doubt that you have loved me, lived for me, and served others in my name. You gave everything you had until there was nothing left, but Me and then you kept going in faith”.  I am not perfect by any means, but I live confidently in Him, sometimes even radically (which for this introvert is really living in faith!) as I attempt to live with my eyes fixed on Him. I truly am satisfied in Him.

I am satisfied in Him because I trust Him implicitly. The Bible is filled with countless promises and He has fulfilled every one of them in my life. He has lead me through some earth shattering circumstances, been the light in the midst of my darkest hours. He has spoken to my tender heart and given me strength to endure hardships while conquering others. He has been the source of exuberant joy and given me peace that surpasses all understanding. He has given me His eyes to see the world as He does and have a compassion and empathy that are not my own for the brokenhearted, the unlovely, and even the crude. I see Him when I look for Him. I feel Him when I quiet my soul. I hear Him when I read His Word. I am completely satisfied in Him.

However, I know many people are not satisfied in Him, don’t trust Him, don’t feel His presence. I know people who blame Him for the injustice in the world and therefore believe He is not a loving God. It makes sense that people who are not Christ-followers feel this way because they only know of Christ, not Christ Himself. However, we don’t expect Christians to feel this way.

My oldest daughter wrestles with her faith. Though she believes in God, has asked Him to be the Lord of her life, attends church regularly, prays, and reads her Bible, she struggles with this being enough. As we were talking about this one night last week, she breaks down, sobbing---the kind of sobbing that swells from the inside out, staining her face with hot tears that reveal an inner wrestling that she cannot make sense of. Between heavy sobs, she says, “I’m not like you, Mom. I don’t feel God. I look at you and you ooze this love for Him, you see Him, you hear His voice, you feel Him, and I, I just don’t”.  If I am being completely honest, my initial reaction was surprise. Not feel God? How can that be? How easy it is for us to assume that others think and feel the way we do; that God speaks and guides others in the same way He does us. The Lord was quick to help me catch my tongue and guard my expression so as not to add insult to her already hemorrhaging heart. I know she is alone in her wrestling.

Christianity is not mimicking someone else’s walk with Christ, though we may be inspired by them. Occasionally, we find ourselves in the midst of those whose faith seems to come easier to them. They seem to encapsulate humility while at the same time a confidence which we can only dream of encompassing. They know the Bible like the back of their hand and pray so eloquently---so poetically, that we, in comparison, sound like a blubbering fool.  We have witnessed others be moved by the Spirit because they not only hear His voice, they trust Him. They know Him, really know Him and unapologetically live out of this deep, deep love they have for Him. We all know someone like that. And although my daughter does not say she desires her faith to look like mine, she believes that faith must look and feel a certain way.  In my daughter’s frustration, she asks, “So faith is just believing, not anything else? No feelings, no nothing?”

Searching my mind and silently asking the Lord to guide this conversation, I reminded her that our faith is not based on feelings, but on the decision to trust that God’s Word is truth, that He died for us, paying the penalty for our sin because He loves us that much. I reminded her that her checklist (reading her Bible, attending church, praying…) can easily become a religious act---where we live by the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law. Christianity is about relationship, not rules.  Reading the Bible, praying, and attending church are tools to build and maintain an intimate relationship with Christ---which is where that immeasurable love she desperately desires springs forth for Christ.  A lot of people follow a similar checklist, doing all the “right” things and never learn to follow Jesus---never fall in love with Him. It’s easy to follow a plan, but not so easy to fully relinquish ourselves to God’s authority. If we have our eyes on ourselves, our accomplishments, our goals while marking off our checklist, how can we be sold out for Christ? I think this is where the root of many of our struggles lie.

My daughter listens attentively and nods her head in understanding, but still looks for something more. We have become a world of quick fixes and instant gratification. We gravitate toward books and magazines that promise step by step solutions to "live our best life now". We don’t want to think. We don’t necessarily even want to do the work. We just want someone to tell us what to do and how to think and hope we get the results we desire. A personal relationship with Christ cannot be replicated or manufactured. It’s personal. My relationship with Christ is different from your relationship with Christ.

So, I share with my Delightful that the mark of a Christian is not in how much she prays, reads the Bible, shares her faith with others, her church attendance record, or even how well she follows the ten commandments. Rather, the mark of a Christian is how well we love one another.  As Christians, our intimacy with Christ manifests itself by how we respond to others in need. I cannot help but to think of James 1:27, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and the widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world”. As we grow in intimacy with Christ, our heartbeat grows in sync with His and we see the world in a whole new perspective. It is a perspective that begs for us to show love in an array of ways (using our gifts, talents, and passions that the Lord has equipped us with) to all those around us.

I tell my daughter that she has all the tools she needs, but perhaps she has misunderstood the tools, how to use them, as well as how live them out.  So, in an attempt to encourage her, I do my best to define the tools and their purpose.  I start with prayer.

Prayer is not as scary as it may sound. The key component to prayer is simply being present with the Lord. I often times picture myself kneeling before the cross. When I do, my focus is completely on Him and not on myself and my heart is humbled as I breathe in His immeasurable sacrifice for me. Sometimes my prayers are said in the sanctuary of my heart, no words, just silent fellowship with Him. Sometimes, I talk to Him like I’m talking to a friend---about everything and nothing, about small things and big things. Sometimes my prayer is simply saying, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” in unison with the beating of my heart because I don’t know what else to say. I pray while I’m working. I pray while I’m sitting in the solitude of my home. And sometimes, I sing worship songs as my prayer (For those of you who know my singing ability, remember that Jesus tells us to make a joyful noise unto the Lord!). Jesus left an example of how to pray in Matthew 6:9-13: The Lord’s Prayer. Essentially, it reveals our respect, gratitude, need, and desire for Him in our lives.

Talking to someone we don’t know well yet is awkward to say the least. As we grow in friendship, it will become easier to be transparent and vulnerable before God and we will eventually hear His voice---not necessarily audibly, but He will make His presence and will known to us. He tells us that when we seek Him, we will find Him (Jer. 29:13). I promise He does not make Himself hard to find!

For me, nothing about nature escapes my ever searching eye for Him. I see God in the majestic, rugged mountains, in the long sandy beaches, in the vastness of fields, and in the mystic edges of hovering fog. I feel Him in the sun’s warmth, in the down pour of rain, and the gracefulness of falling snow. I smell Him in the pine trees and in the fresh cut grass. I hear Him in the silence of early mornings as the sun crests the eastern horizon. I hear Him in the whispers of the wind as it runs its fingers through the spindly branches of my willow tree. I hear Him in the sweet melody of the robins and the low hum of the hummingbirds. I could go on and on about the beauty I see of Christ in nature. God is in it all so that we might glimpse His glory and worship Him in utter admiration. This worship is prayer.

My daughter doesn’t make eye contact. Instead she worries a loose thread on her sweater. I know she’s listening, taking it all in, so I continue. I reminded her that attending church is not solely about learning something new, but also about being in community with other like-minded people who struggle like we do. It is a place where the walking wounded congregate and encourage one another by helping us fix our eyes on our Lord, the author and finisher of our faith (Heb. 12:2). She interrupts me and scowls, “That only happens when you are in a group. Once you leave that group for whatever reason, you are left on your own. Church is a very lonely place”. Boy, has she got me on that one. I have wrestled with organized religion all my life primarily for this very reason. Church can come across as a club and if you are not part of the “inner circle”, so to speak, you are on your own. It is easy to dwell here and become bitter.

Bitterness is a sneaky tactic of Satan’s. When we feel it brewing deep within us, we need to heed the warning and stop everything, fall to our knees, and ask the Lord to take it from us. Unchecked, bitterness will rob us of the very joy God so desperately wants for us. I, personally, have been hurt by the church repeatedly. I can choose to focus on the people who have grieved my soul or I can choose to seek God with all my heart, mind, and soul. Church is a place filled with sinners; many of them are desperately seeking God and desire to walk in communion with others who believe as they do.  

I love worship probably more than anything else; which is slightly ironic because I am the least musical person on the planet. In that moment, it is just me and God and I hardly notice others around me. It fills me, ministers to me, and is a balm for whatever has grieved my heart during the week. It draws me like nothing else.

It’s hard to sing a love song to a God we don’t know or feel in love with, or a God that we are questioning or even doubting. I say don’t sing, just listen. Let the words wash over you; allow them to lead you to seeking out more of Him. (Most songs sung in church are based on scripture).

Followed by worship is the sermon which is just a fancy word for a lesson. I have gone to several kinds of churches.  One where the Pastor yells and pounds his fists on the podium telling us that we’re all going to hell. Another church where I’ve heard great topical life lessons, but the Bible is not necessarily preached. And another kind of church called an expository church, where the scriptures are broken down and explained in detail so that common folk, like me, understand what we’re reading. The Bible, though originally written in Greek and Hebrew is not meant to sound like a foreign language to us. God wrote it for all people, so finding a translation that is easier to understand and find a style of teaching that is meaningful to us, one based on the Bible, is essential. If we don’t understand something, we need to seek someone out. Churches are equipped with staff to help find the answers to our questions.

My girl looks up at me and I feel I’ve lost her. I am not sure she is on the same page as I am here, which wounds my heart. I know that bitterness has taken root and is crowding out the Truth that must be plucked before she can find her way again. I continue on however, telling her that reading her Bible is perhaps the most valuable tool in learning about God’s character. When we see how He responds in the various stories He has left for us in His Word, we will discover Who He is---not just to Adam, the Israelites or even to the Apostle Paul, but Who He is to us. Fundamentally, “Jesus is servant, ministering to the needs of others” (Brennan Manning). You cannot fall in love with someone you don’t know. The Bible unfolds Christ’s character and without a doubt, as we read and study His Word, we will come to know and love Him.

Out of our love for Christ, we begin to deliberately, consciously, and eagerly desire to live for Him. Simply, this looks like love. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27). Jesus lived for others. Jesus served others and gave sacrificially of Himself. We are to do the same—which is contrary to the mentality of our world. It is not up to us to determine how we will be used for God’s witness or for His glory. We simply love and let God take care of everything else.

Quietly sitting there, taking in my words, I run to the other room to grab the book I am reading because I have, have to share what I had just read that morning with my girl. “All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If He wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is His concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that” (Dominique Voillaume).

I pause and look at my daughter. She slowly looks up at me and bites her quivering lip. She whispers, “So God really takes care of everything else, I just have to believe?” Tears streaming down my cheeks, I say, “Yes”.

It is my heart’s cry that my daughters apprehend the wonderment of God’s merciful gift to us, that they would accept being accepted (I’m still working on that myself), and understand that the essence for a follower of Jesus lays in living in faith, not some sort of checklist. “Living by faith consists in constantly redefining and reaffirming our identity with Jesus---measuring ourselves against Him---not measuring ourselves against our church dogmas and local heroes.  Jesus is the light of the world. In His light we discover that it is not mere rhetoric that Jesus demands, but personal renewal, fidelity to the Word, and creative conduct” (Brennan Manning).