A Different Kind of PDF

A few years ago a friend of mine was telling me about an experiment she regularly orchestrates while speaking at Christian retreats. I doubt I’ll ever forget her findings, as I find an odd comfort in the realization that I am not struggling solo in corporate worship.

The Experiment: The first evening, of a two night retreat, as the women worship, praising, giving thanks, lifting up prayers through song, she quietly, inconspicuously observes them from the back of the room. She tells me it looks much like what you see on Sunday mornings. Some women stand, raise their hands and sing loudly. Others clasp their hands in front of them while singing. Others close their eyes, some bow their heads…you get the idea. When she takes the stand to begin the evening’s teaching, she mentions nothing of what she’s witness.

The second evening, she asked each woman to wear a blind fold during the time of worship. The women do. What she observed was drastically different from the night before. While a few women appear to wrestle with this idea, most appeared to embrace a freedom that in my friend’s opinion was stifled the night before by their consciousness of other’s roving eyes. Some fall to their knees, bowing low to the floor in reverence for our Lord. Some of the women that stood, hands clasped the night before were raising their hands, heads lifted up and singing boldly. Some sat with open hands on their laps, taking in the beautiful, serene voices of the women that surrounded them.

According to my friend, the difference between the two evenings was the level of authenticity. Because the women felt safe on the second night, there was a freedom to worship genuinely, in their own style. Of course, this is not to say that the women the first night were not genuine in their worship. It is to point out that many women struggle worshiping when there is a chance of being watched and perhaps judged.

Public Display of Faith. (PDF) My witty husband coined this phrase last week as I once again shared my struggle with worship. I worship completely different when I am in my home or alone than I do when I am in church. In church I feel restricted. I feel restricted because I care entirely too much what others think. Therefore, I worship quite conservatively. I know this stems from past experiences. And although I wrestle with this inconsistency, this genuineness, this being true to who I am as a Christian woman, I am unable to overcome this spiritual binding.

I grew up in a conservative Baptist church. Clapping was taboo. Dancing would have you gotten you stoned to death. (OK the later isn’t quite true, but almost!) I remember once when I was in high school, my youth group friends and I started clapping to a song that we, the congregation, was singing. No one else clapped. We tried to appear confident in our choice of worship, but as all eyes (no exaggeration) peered intensely at us, my insides withered significantly.

I’ve also witnesses people who worship boldly in church but in their day to day lives rival some of the most hateful people I’ve ever come across. Granted, who am I to judge their worship but the inconsistency grieves my heart so much that I am scared that I would come across much the same way as those who I’ve condemned in my heart. So I wrestle.

I openly wrestle in front of my daughters. I wonder if I am living up to my role as their mother. I know my responsibility is to raise them to know the Lord that I love so dearly and yet I wonder if my wrestlings will cause them to feel restricted in some way. I pray that the Lord will continue to grow my heart and help me to be true to Him no matter where I am worshipping. I pray for my daughters...that they would be unabashed in their worship, that my wrestlings would not hinder them.