Whispered I Love Yous

That day, the day my dream of becoming a mother came true, was indescribable as the heavens seemed to open and the sweet sound of angels’ singing filled the room where I held her precious 8 pound, 4 ounce body in my arms for the first time. As I spent the next several hours starring into my daughter’s dark eyes, my heart filled with a kind of love I had never known before. I nuzzled my cheek against hers and whispered a million I love yous and things that I would one day want to do with and for her. My heart was full as I relished in my most precious gift, a gift I adored even before I saw her face, a gift I treasured and longed to protect long before I knew her. This is the kind of love that grows, though I didn’t know that all those years ago. It matures with time and the whispered I love yous become the foundation to what looks anything but love to my daughter who is now nearly sixteen. In addition to the tender nuzzles of love, this love also speaks truth into our lives that is often hard to hear. I don’t like this part of my role as a mom. It is hard and honestly breaks my heart.

Being the mother of a teenage daughter has brought with it more challenges than I ever anticipated. This week has been one of those weeks, where I feel we take one step forward only to turn around and take two steps back. Four days in a row I had to have a heart to heart talk with my daughter, showing her the selfishness and pride that seemed to abound from her once humbled and joyful heart, and ask her to look more closely at the condition of her heart. Each night, her tear streaked face showed me she was sorry. Her words, slow and shaky, told me she was earnest in her repentance. However, on night four of dealing with the same behavior and finding myself sitting face to face with this same tear streaked, remorseful face, I found myself not believing her words. I was at my breaking point and I said, “Don’t say you’re sorry, if you don’t mean it. Don’t say you are sorry unless you plan to change the way you go about this situation. Repentance, Abigail, is turning your back on the way you were going and going the exact opposite direction. Are you ready to do that?” No words, no expression could be found in her eyes. I stood and left the room without another word, fearful that I would say something more that would crush her spirit rather than her attitude.

Sleeping on the situation, I woke this morning realizing I very much resemble my own daughter’s attitude in my own walk with the Lord. At times I am selfish, I am prideful, and my thoughts and motives not always pure. When I realize how far off course I have gotten, I fall to my knees, sob a prayer of repentance, and before too long find myself praying the same prayer of repentance…again and again. Confronted by the mirrored image of my daughter’s heart condition, my mind wandered to the words I read earlier in the week of my favorite author, Brennan Manning, “Every change in the quality of a person’s life must grow out of a change in his or her vision of reality”.

Reality is more than merely looking at our current place, position, or situation and believing this is our lot in life, whether we like it or not. Reality is the foundation of who we are, what we believe, and guides us along life’s journey into the arms of Christ…The Christ whose very nature screams out love and forgiveness. “What we think about God is the most important thing about us”. Is He part of our reality? Our answer defines our view of life. If He is indeed the foundation of our reality, our vision changes, we change. We see the world through eyes of one who has been forgiven and know with all that we are… despite our selfishness, pride, impure thoughts, and motives that God’s love continues to carry us, that “He will never leave us or forsake us” (Hebrews 13:5). Without a doubt, the essence of our faith lies in trusting the unfathomable love of God.

So I say to my daughter, do you know that you are utterly loved? Do you know that you were bought with a price? Do you know that your name is branded on the palm of His hands? That He knew you before you were born? That He knows the number of hairs on your head? That you cannot hide from Him, even in the darkest of nights? You are always on His mind and forever in His heart. He loves you with an everlasting love, an unconditional love. He is always on your side, always rooting for you. When the world is against you, He is for you. Attempting to paint a picture of the reality I hold so, so close to my own heart, I lower my head, allow the tears to fall and whisper, “Beloved, He wants your heart. Are you ready to give it to Him? Not just on Sunday mornings, not just in the mix of your Christian friends…but to really relinquish it all to Him?” “Yes”, is her quivered reply. And though I know there will be many, many times in her life as well as in mine that we will have to repent, I know that Abba’s (Daddy, Father God) nature is tender and He will always forgive us.

Starring out my big picture window, repenting once again of my own wrong doings and basking in the sweet tenderness that Christ is for me, I notice a soft breeze whispering through the trees as they gently sway and I swear I hear, “I love you, Beloved”. The whispered I love yous come in a variety of ways, some are so tender, like that of nuzzling a newborn babe and others come through trials, but the point is that they come. What you believe about Christ will impact your view of reality and whether you will embrace the whispered I love yous in its various forms.

“The more a man realizes that he has received a gift that he can never repay…the tenor of his life becomes one of humble, joyful thanksgiving. He simply rejoices in the gifts” and his life sings out, “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His kindness endures forever”. (Psalm 107:1)

To my Beloved Abigail…I was given an extravagant blessing when the Lord allowed me to be your mom…a gift I treasure every single day. I love you. I adore you…I excessive love you!