Where Pride Looms, Love Abounds

On an oh-so narrow line between humbleness and pride is where I find myself standing far too often, and every now and then I look down to see that a toe or two has made it’s self comfortable on one side of that line. Pride. (Deep sigh) Last week I wrote, exposing a part of myself that I have hidden a good many of years, even from those who know me best. I’ve believed my inability to accept love in its various forms to be an outward sign of humbleness. I have sacrificed the very thing I need and desire. It seems a bit martyrdom for this chick and yet it’s what I’ve been doing all my life, living in pride masked as humbleness. I didn’t see this until recently…and boy do I feel convicted! I don’t want to need, hence, my pride issue, but honestly, I do. We all do!

We need to be loved, accepted, valued, trusted, and appreciated. We need joy, laughter, and friendships. We need compassion and forgiveness…

“We can’t provide something for others until we’ve received it ourselves.” (John Townsend)

This quote got me thinking… How can we give something we don’t have? The opposite is true as well. How can someone give us what he or she doesn’t have? I automatically am able to give a person much grace when I know they are not capable of giving me what I need. I realize also I don’t want a synthetic love. I want the real thing. If a person isn’t drawing from the true source of love, I am not interested in what they may be offering. That kind of love is fleeting.

In order to love well, we need to be “rooted and grounded in love.” (Eph. 3:17) How do we do that? The Christian answer (which you may have anticipated and cringe because you know I’m heading there) and yet the only truthful answer: We spend time getting to know the One whose very nature is love and allowing our hearts and souls to be lavished with His love (this happens in countless ways, often unique to us). His love is not our love, its better it’s …Agape Love. Defined it means: “It is not a feeling or a relationship based on common interest (like that of friendship love). It flows from what is right and what is best. It is not as much a feeling as it is a response. Agape love is not fueled out of the desire of the recipient, but out of the need.” This love is unfailing, without reservation, unconditional. Exactly the kind we need and desire!

He knows my needs. He knew them long before I was born. In His anticipation of my needs, He sent His only Son to fulfill them (and yours), ultimately, fulfilling my utmost need for a Savior…through which my needs to be loved and accepted are continually being filled as well as my need for joy and laughter (yes, He meets these needs too. He’s not as tight lipped as some people think! Thanks goodness!) I know Him and I have come to rely on His love for me. I am completely convinced of His reality in my life.

Accepting love doesn’t feel humble, but it is. At its core, it really is. We need it. It is not something we can do for ourselves. I read somewhere that “God’s love will not change us, if we don’t accept it”. How I long to reflect His image, to love as He loves. I pray that He continues to convict me of my pride that has masked itself as humbleness. I pray that my toes will stay on the path that continually leads to Him!

Three Cords: Faith, Love & Forgiveness

My deepest need is to be loved. It’s a desperate need, a longing that at times in my life has seemed unattainable. Perhaps the word unattainable is a key into the reason my heart literally feels like its breaking when I hear anyone speaking about the subject. I crave it to the depths of my soul and at the same time feel unworthy to accept such a gift. I may be a bit of an extreme case, but I believe we all need to be loved. Beth Moore, a favorite writer of mine, says “We each have our unmet needs, and we carry them around all day long like an empty cup. In one way or another, we hold out that cup to the people in our lives and say, ‘Can somebody please fill this? Even a tablespoon would help!’” We feel miserable until something is in that cup.

Love is a gift but I’ve made it a reward. If I do “A” then I will hear that desired clank of love being dropped into my cup. Interestingly, I don’t expect those in my life to do things for me to earn my love. I love them simply because… I just do. The conditions I put on myself stem from the lack of ability to forgive myself. In a very real sense I am punishing myself for a devastating decision I made more than 15 years ago. Although those I hold most dear have forgiven me, I have not been able grant myself that same freedom. I don’t feel worthy of receiving love, the vary thing I need more than anything else in all the world. Unforgiveness has got to be one of Satan’s most powerful forms of bondage. Don’t misunderstand, I’ve asked for the Lord’s forgiveness and I know with certainty that He has forgiven me. But if I understand the word forgiveness correctly it is the willingness to no longer let that offense occupy us. It is the letting it go to God—from our power to His. Forgiveness is an on going act. Several weeks back, I wrote, pondering the question, what would happen if we lived out of our weakness instead of in spite of it? I wonder the same question tonight. Can I forgive myself, stop trying to earn love, and once I have love in my life truly accept it? For this Dutch girl, being self-sufficient and meeting my own needs has been something I’ve prided myself on. To turn it over would feel weak.

Perhaps the issue boils down to trusting God with my heart. Do I trust Him to come through for me? Can I be content in His timing and the way He may go about it? Can I bank on Psalm 37:5 “Commit your way to the Lord. Trust also in Him and He will do it”? And do I whole-heartedly believe that His “unfailing love for me will not be shaken and his covenant of peace will never be removed from me, the one whom He has compassion on? (Is 54:10 paraphrased) The phrase unfailing love is mentioned 32 times in the Bible. Each refering to God alone. Humanly, we will fail one another and we will not meet each other’s needs completely and consistently. We weren’t meant to. If we had all our needs met here on earth we would not need Jesus.

I hear the clanking of His love being dropped by the handfuls into my cup of unmet needs every single day. Today I will not refuse them when He uses someone else’s hand to show me His love. I will accept it and be grateful for the gift and not try to repay it. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1 Cor. 13:7) God’s Love is never without effect!

One Word!

I was offered a job this week at another school. Better hours, 50% more money, working in the same field but focused in the area I love most. And to top it off, I wasn’t even looking for another job. I was referred by a respected colleague, which stroked my ego a hair beyond what could be considered healthy. I was ecstatic and full of pride for about 30 seconds. That’s about how long it took me to rattle off in a single breath all the details to my husband. The job was perfect in every way. It also was my “out” of a very challenging situation where I currently work. Then my Beloved, who posses more wisdom than I asked IT. “Have you prayed about it yet?” Uuuughhhh! Deep sigh, “no, I wanted to tell you first.” In an instant, my heart took a long, hard plunge. I was grieved by my sin of putting others before God and seeking out man’s approval over His. I struggle with this more times than I care to admit.

I was headed out the door to a parents meeting and found myself thrilled for the silent drive back to school. I love this drive along a winding, tree-lined road. I find I am consistently pulled into God’s arms on this drive. This night was no exception. I began to pray about the job situation but before I finished, I heard Him say one word. (Not audibly, although wouldn’t that be a treat!) The word was “Ministry”. I didn’t have to ask to whom I was supposed to be ministering. I knew. I couldn’t hold back the tears as I told Him He was right. I knew it from the beginning. I had just got caught up in my pride and in earthly things.

Some of the parents of my students had already arrived for our meeting when I walked in the door. Unknowingly, my mascara had left evidence of tears shed and caused one Mom to question me. All I could say was, “I love these kids”. They are my mission field. The next day, this same woman sent in a note with her son that said, “You are such a blessing to our family, you have no idea. We pray for you and your family every night that He will provide your every need.” I hadn’t shared about the job and have been careful in the public school setting to witness more through my actions than my words. The Lord used this woman to minister to me and in case I didn’t get His message clearly the night before, He used her to confirm that I am to stay right where I am.

I truly cherish that He adores me so, cares for my every need, and talks to me. How I long to be more like Him and reflect back to Him the love He graces me with every single day!

Divine Affection

There is something quite remarkable about the changing of seasons. As I sat snugly wrapped in my blanket, coffee in hand (always coffee in hand), starring out my large picture window, I was awed by the sheer majesty the Lord allowed me to witness of Himself again this afternoon. An array of trees more than a hundred feet tall seem to bow in unison as gusts of wind repeatedly swept over them. The leaves, so simple in their shape, yet complex in their detail and coloring drifted towards my window at various speeds, hundreds at a time. The colors were brilliant against the slightest shade of grey sky. I sat for some moments watching the wind dance, when I faintly heard, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty”. I closed my eyes and listened closely. The majestic wind rushes through the trees once again and it sounds very much like they are applauding. I raise my hands and find I am the one singing, “holy is the Lord God Almighty”. Tears steam down my cheeks because I am fully aware I am in His presence. I feel it to the deepest part of my being. I feel cherished and honored that He chose to spend the afternoon sitting with me, speaking to me in a way I find nothing else compares. I know I am always in His presence, he is always speaking to me, and revealing more of who He is to me. Perhaps the difference between my feeling I am in His presence verses. the fact that I am always in His presence has more to do with my attitude and where my heart’s focus is flirting. Sometimes I desperately need to walk away from the deafening demands of my chaotic life, so that I can deeply inhale His. I chose that today and the “eyes of my heart were enlightened.” Eph. 1:18 paraphrased. Truly, there is nothing in all the world as beautiful or desirable as the love of Christ!